Other People's Business

Wow. Stuff has happened. And when I say “Stuff,” it's with the capital S. It is not my Stuff, so I am not at liberty to say what happened, nor to whom. However, what I can say is that the offending party is a child, an idiot and a selfish sunamabitch. (From now on, we shall refer to the selfish sunamabitch as The Idiot, because it's easier to type and it REALLY applies. And “Troglodyte Child” is just far too complimentary.)

This Stuff is a pretty big thing for me, even though it's not happening TO me, and so most of my energy outside of caretaking for Pop is currently directed towards offering support for my friend, and trying to figure out what the blankety-blank was going on in the mind of The Idiot that they would handle things so poorly. Then again, after applying a moniker like The Idiot, I should stop trying to figure out how they think, because obviously, they're not thinking. If they WERE thinking, they wouldn't have pulled half of the nonsense they did. (And yes, I am playing the pronoun game as a way to protect identities, not because I don't know my English grammar.)

I am absolutely furious that anyone, ANYONE would treat my friend the way that The Idiot has, and I very much want to lash out. However, what I need to remember is that as much as my friend is grieving over this painful situation, it is something that they chose to go through, and that they are learning a LOT about life through this experience. In that respect, this is turning out to be a Very Useful Experience. Also, Law of Attraction states that the more I focus on The Idiot's foul behavior, the more I draw people like that into my life, and I really don't need any of that at the moment.

So, I am letting go. I am supportive of my friend, and helping them take as many lessons from this experience as they can handle, and the rest I let go. It's not my shite to deal with, so there's no need for me to call it to myself.

And honestly, since Saturday (when this all began), my friend has been dealing with all of it admirably well, getting stronger and more self-assured with each passing hour. I am very proud of them. (GAH! I hate the pronoun game. It is so clumsy.)

But the point of all this, is that outside of this drama, there is very little going on in my life that doesn't take place at the conversational level of a two-year-old. So this is much more interesting to talk about... And I'm turning into a gossip. Blech.

Hmm. I really need something to capture my interest... that or I need to get out more.

Speaking of getting out more, today at the library, one of the full-time staff members expressed a wish that I could work there at the very least part-time. I am not adverse to getting paid to do what I'm doing. I only wish I had the hours. BUT this does bode well for the someday when I will need to have an income again. :)

Anyway, yeah. That's me.

Peace.

Awesome Hotdogs

I've been dreading this week. Not so much for the getting a year older thing. Actually, that part I generally look forward to. Like a fine wine, I think I'm better as I age. No, the reason I've been dreading this week is... Friday. I've already posted about how I'm not going to be able to be able to celebrate the birthday properly (on the day of), and what it comes down to, is that most days I don't mind being alone-ish. But I don't like being alone on my birthday. I don't like having nothing to do, no one to see and nowhere to be. It's not just my birthday, really. Holidays in general. I don't want to be alone on a day that should be celebrated.

This last weekend, I had a royal pity party for myself. All I was missing was the crown. ;) I even started feeling sorry for myself about the winter holidays. The LAST thing I want to do is spend this coming December the same way I did the last-- worrying over/waiting for Pop to recover from surgery and pining away for family all of whom (with the exception of Pop, of course) are in other states, if not another country. And here's me, tied to this house, unable to get away. Honestly, I doubt that any of them will be able to make it this year either. Oh, yes. This last weekend, I put myself in a fine funk.

And you know what? Something good did come out of it. (Whodathunkit?) I realized that thinking like that will only bring on more of the same, so I decided to change my thinking. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something to improve my situation.

Well, there's not much I can do about throwing myself a birthday party this year. It's a bit late. And truly, Saturday will be absolutely wonderful, getting to spend time with almost all of my favorite east coast people, so I don't REALLY have room to complain anyway. And as for the winter holidays, I am going to surround myself with as many of my friends as I possibly can. And to give me something to look forward to, I'm going to throw a small, intimate Yule party for my nearest and dearest. I may not be able to see all my family, but it doesn't mean that I can't feel the love.

Also, when I spoke to my sister the other day, I told her it was of the utmost importance that she call me on Friday. And she promised she would.

AND THEN!!! My super genius Daddy and Stepmom sent me an early birfday pressie: an awesome (like a hotdog) bread machine!!!! SQUEEEE!!!! I'm making my very first loaf right now: French bread. It won't be baguette, because it's in the wrong shape, but it should taste the same. OMG! Excited am I. (Have I mentioned excited?)

And today, I did my first stint as a volunteer at the library. Organizing the SciFi/Fantasy books = fun. People are lazy and put stuff in the wrong places, BUT I found a bunch of books I wanna read... when I'm done with what I'm reading right now.

Organizing the children's reference section = not so fun. Besides the fact that small children have NO CONCEPT of filing/putting things in order, I didn't find any books I wanted to read there. Started at the end and worked my way up, so when I left, I was still sifting through American history and forms of terrorism. I kid you not. Even so, it was incredibly fulfilling to see what a mess it started out as, and how tidy I was able to get my one little section. Although, I will say this: I need to start doing Yoga again.

So, oddly enough, I would say this week is off to a far better start than I expected. And as soon as I gets me my Frrrrrench Brrrrread, I'm gonna go have toast and jam!

OMG! My bread machine even has a setting to make jams and preserves! And BAGELS!@!!! (Not at the same time, but I hear that's coming in a later model.)

And now, I leave you with this thought for the day:



Peace.

Rainman Needs a Holiday

Yeah, I'm noticing this whole “getting out in the real world” is becoming really important. The other day, I made a dash to the store in the middle of the night, while talking to Daddy. After a while, he had to go and got off the phone, but I kept talking. I became that crazy lady roaming the aisles of Volde-Mart at 1:00AM talking to herself-- and not in the funny way. It freaked me out enough that I called Castle, knowing he'd still be up, just so that I could have someone responding to me, because I couldn't stop talking.

Yes, getting around people who can hold down a conversation (that doesn't loop every 15 seconds, thankyouverymuch) is starting to become important. Definitely. Definitely important. Definitely. Definitely. /typed-Rainman-impression YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

As you probably know, I have been fightingworking with the Veteran's Association since mid-February, trying to get a homemaker to come in and give me some relief from caring for The Mad Cow, day in and day out. And as of 2 weeks ago, they finally came through (with a little nudge from Senator Rockefeller and Congresswoman Capito). All of a sudden, I went from 6 hours a week total to 4 hours, 5 times a week. TWENTY hours, to do grocery shopping, visit with friends and just be out of the house. HEAVEN! Mebbe I'll even start finding my sanity again. I'm fairly certain I left it under a rock somewhere...

The problem is, my friends are working during the majority of those hours. And grocery shopping takes me about 2 hours, if I reeeeally stretch it. And, due to poor timing on the part of the theaters, I can't really go see a movie. It has sort of left me wondering what the Hell I'm supposed to be doing with all this lovely free time? Something where I'm not spending money (because, hello! I don't have an income) and where I'm out of the house, but not driving up to Parkersburg every day. Actually, Parkersburg would be a non-issue if it weren't for the prohibitive cost of gas, and, well, lack of income.

Hmm, lack of income, plenty of time on my hands... At first I thought I could get a part time job! Except, that I would have to figure in commute time, because I LEAVE the house at 2:00, I can't BE at work at 2:00. And I can't work overtime. And I still need SOME time for shopping, or running up to Pburg for SOME necessities... and most offices in the area close by 5:00 (if I'm lucky), so I've got somewhere between 7.5 and 10 hours that I can work. Hmmm. Like anyone would waste time training me in their office to do 7.5-10 hours of work over 3-4 days in a week. GAH!

But I still needed something to do. Next thought: community service. So I went to my local library. Turns out they're desperate for volunteers. In fact, they're even hiring part timers right now (to the tune of 20-30 hours/week, so I still can't do it, but it's nice to know!). And I volunteered. Starting Tuesday (cuz Monday is grocery day), I get to put all of the sci-fi/fantasy books in alpha order. I'm realizing that to some people, that might sound downright dull, but I'm excited. I'll get to work IN A LIBRARY, in the SCI-FI section, and I'll be able to soothe that weird part of me that loves to put things in order (except in my bedroom). And there will be people there whose conversations don't loop every 15 seconds! I might even get to talk to one of them. OooooOOOOOooooh!

So, yeah. I'm volunteering to work in the library, and I couldn't be happier. Oh! And if I can get my bike fixed, I could even ride there every day. OoOOOOOoooooh! Built in exercise!

So, once that starts, I might go back to my regular conversations with myself, instead of the freaky ones. I'm excited.

Peace.

Outta My Hands

Well, I filed my very first police report today, seeing as how Vicodin is a controlled substance and all. The officer was very nice, and thought of a couple suspects I hadn't originally considered. He doesn't think someone just broke into the house to steal the meds, because they would have take the whole bottle and not left any behind. That's a relief, because it means the neighborhood hasn't completely imploded, but it also means the thief was someone who had access to the house, which is infinitely sad.

In the meantime, I've done what I can. I have locked away ALL of his drugs where only I know where they are. It's sad that I have to do this, but until this is resolved, I don't want anything else going missing. And just in case, I'm making double-extra sure the house is locked down before going to bed. (Very sad day. I feel like I'm back in Los Angeles.)

On the bright side, I had my second jaunt out into the Real World. Very exciting. I can see myself running out of stuff to do pretty quick, though. It's a bummer the local library closes at 5.

And I did the math. It looks like I will NOT be able to go see Batman for my birthday after all-- at least, not easily. It runs too long, and I won't be able to get back to the house in time. Besides, Castle requested the day off of work so he could come with me, and his work denied him. Poo. I COULD go alone (and will probably have to), but it's much more fun to go with someone. I'm not giving up, though. I really, really, really wanna see it. So, I'll figure something out. I've been planning to go since they first announced it was coming out on my birthday-- back when I was still working for Expedia.

So, yeah. That's me in a nutshell. Off to bed.

Peace.

What the #$@% ?!

Pop is missing over 75 pills. Vicodin and Zoloft - both potentially recreational, and worth some money on the black market. I have my suspicions of who did it, but for a couple of reasons, I can't outright confront them. For one thing, it's just suspicion. I have no proof. And there are other reasons, that I don't want to go into here.

I'm just boggled that someone-- ANYONE-- would steal pain medication from an old man. Seriously. What. The. F.

Wishing for some...

Peace.

An Odd Day

I suppose today started out last night (this morning?) around 1am when the Mad Cow started moaning. That in and of itself is nothing new. I've taken to calling it his “pee noise” cuz usually when he makes it, well, you get the idea. This morning, however, when I went to check on him, he said he was hurting, “right here,” and started rubbing over his heart. Ok, that is scary, and when you add to it that he can almost NEVER identify A) that he is IN pain and B) where the pain is, well, I freaked out.

After a quick chat with Daddy, I took him to the local hospital, where they poked and prodded him and after 2 hours, announced that it wasn't a heart attack, he can go home and follow up with his regular doctor, but if he complains again, to bring him back right away. Dammit, it's so hard to tell if he's crying wolf. Or mebbe he had indigestion, which can cause pain in that area. Or mebbe it was something else entirely! Or or or... Bah!

I got him to bed around 4 and we both crashed. Ro came in around 7, fed him and got him ready for the day, and left us both sleeping in the living room (because it's easier for me to sleep/keep an eye on him from the couch while he's in his lift chair). Maybe a half an hour after Ro left, he stood up and announced that he was going to bed. “You can't go to bed, because... um... Hellz, let's BOTH go to bed.”

So we did, and we both slept until 2. With NO interruptions. Usually the only way that happens is if I have to drug him.

I haven't slept so well since... well, since the last time he was in the hospital.

Anyway, when I woke up, I decided I wanted a cinnamon bun. Now, one of the ways that I am controlling my junk-food intake is to make my own. If I want cookies, I've stopped buying them in boxes. I tell myself at the store that the cookies I make taste better than what I can buy (very true), AND I know exactly what's in them. No high fructose corn syrup, no weird partially hydrogenated soy thingees or MSG (now legally shown on most product labels as “natural flavorings” or “spices.”) Just regular old flour, eggs and sugar. And cinnamon. I really like cinnamon. Now there's a natural flavoring and spice.

What this all came down to was that I had a choice: bake my own cinnamon buns or go without. Usually, the lazy side wins, but today, like I said, I wanted them. This meant venturing once more into the wild world of Yeast. This was my second attempt on my own, the first being the ill-fated English Muffin LumpLoaf. I was a bit nervous, but I think I figured out where I went wrong last time, so I was up for the challenge.

I had originally planned for cimamum bun as breakfast-- it even said in the recipe if you wake up early you can do it-- until I read the part about “let it rise for 2 hours.” HA! So after heating up Pop's lunch, I grabbed the first thing I could find for my breakfast, which turned out to be leftovers from last night's supper: a salad from my garden. That's right. I ate SALAD for breakfast. Who's proud of me?

Long story short, today, I learned two things: how to work with yeast to prevent future Lumpsfailures AND that I make killer cimamum rolls.

I also got a bitch of an attack of carpel tunnel. Same areas of the hand that my mom used to get it too. It's one of the reasons she stopped baking, except with a bread maker. As Arcana would say, “Poo.”

Overall, between lots of sleep and cimamum buns (YUM!) it's been a good day, even if it did rain and I didn't get to see any fireworks to celebrate that we're not British. Then again, knowing me, that's not something I celebrate, but yanno. I still like pretty-pretty esplodies. Oh, yeah. And Serenity and I spent about an hour looking at all the hotties in kilts here. Yes, Gerard Butler is in there. Score!

Anyway, yeah. Good times.

Peace.

Boom De Yada!

Checking in, yo. So, first thing to squee about: my West Coast BFF, Arcana is getting married in October. And the tickets for me to fly out there have just been purchased. Wow. In a very real way, I feel like I'm going home... to visit... from home. Rather confusing. But exciting! It's hard to believe it's been more than two years since the last time I saw Los Angeles (or had to drive in her traffic)!

AND!!! The Addams family of Cleveland is coming down here tomorrow to visit!!! OMG, thrilled! It's been over a year since I've been up to see them. They're actually driving through on their way to a job interview here in WV, which is again, like, OMG! So, this time, they'll only be here for a couple hours, but in the future... who know? :D

Lemme see. What else? Adventures in Mad Cow wrangling are going well. He's got a new pill which is really helping with the night-time pee-wakies. Instead of every hour, it has bumped up to somewhere between every two and four hours. MUCH better for sleeping, let me tell ya. Other than that, s'good.

OH YEAH! AND I just got the call from the VA today. They have FINALLY found someone to come in four hours a day, five days a week to give me some relief! ... Now I'll have to figure out what to do with myself. Heh! I'm not sure that's enough time to get a part time job (and still have a chance to have a bit of a life outside of responsibilities). Anyway, I've got until Tuesday to figure it all out.

I had an adventure trying to clip puppy toenails today. They really, really, really don't like that. Really. I've got the red welts all over my arms to prove it. Buuuut, now that I can get out of the house during daylight hours, I can get them into the vet, who will trim their nails for (ready for this?) $10!!!! Heh. Now SHE can have the red welts.

Finally, I want to announce a new project I'm working on. I want to, but we're not quite ready yet. A couple friends of mine out here and I are working on it together, in conjunction with www.serenitymountainbotanicals.com. It's very exciting for us, because we'll be sharing lots of cool-- wait. Can't say. Not yet. All I can say is, it IS easy bein' Green. ;)

And now, I shall leave you with this thought.



Boom de yada and peace!

The FOOD Network?!

Arcana asked me a few weeks? months? ago how my magickal studies are coming along, and guiltily, I admitted that I haven't been doing them, like, at all. A million excuses came to mind, but I'm getting better at recognizing the difference between an excuse and a reason. (Probably didn't stop me from telling her a couple, though. In all honesty, at this point, I don't remember, but I know myself well enough to guess at a general response.)

Whether or not she realizes it, the conversation has stuck with me this whole time. I mull it around, and every so often, I consider pulling down my workbooks. Hasn't happened in the almost-two years I've been here, but I've got some grand intentions. Anyway, today, I once more pondered this behavior, and what it came back to was my Great Experiment and the Law of Attraction.

See, as Oprah puts it, the Law of Attraction is simply that whatever you focus on, expands. Abraham-Hicks say that Law of Attraction is “That which is like unto itself is drawn.” Oprah's is less of a mouthful. :)

So why is my magick not expanding? Why is it that any time I consider doing it, it feels like pulling teeth? Because I'm not focused on magick right now, duh! I'm focusing on finding foods that are healthy and delicious (Read: foods that are healthy, and foods that are delicious-- okay, more emphasis on delicious, if we're being honest. I think I still have mental blocks about the two being non-exclusive.) I think a lot about the mental and physical state of The Mad Cow, about generally keeping costs down, and about things that will and/or do make me happy.

And here's what I've got.
1. Tons of newsletters for different organizations (health, environment, catalogs)-- but all of them offer free recipes!

2. A Great Big Book of Intake/Output for The Mad Cow. (This is the most organized I've been with him since I got here.) I also have a general knowledge of which behaviors mean “healthy Poppa” and which ones mean we're a step away from heading back to the hospital. (It can be difficult to tell, since the most information I get from him verbally is that he's not worth a nickel.)

3. A small pile of stuff that I've sewn after thinking, “I wish I could buy me a...” / “I wish they made a customized...” AND a garden growing in the backyard. (If you receive holiday gifts from me, chances are, you'll be getting something from one of the two this year, if everything goes according to plan.)

4. A small armada of techniques that, when properly applied, help me stay centered, peaceful and grounded. (The trick here is to remember to use them when I'm freaking out, but I'm getting better at that.)

And what does this tell me? :) My focus right now is very earthy. To use the terminology from Abraham-Hicks, I'm not vibrating at a level with high magick, which is why I'm not doing it.

The neurotic me, of course, started freaking out as soon as I realized that. “Why aren't I more magickally inclined? I need balance with ALL the Elements, not just one. I mean, is it okay for me to be earth-bound right now? Shouldn't I--” And that's where I stopped it. Shoulds and Shouldn'ts are holding less power over me these days.

The fact of the matter is, I'm in Earth mode right now, and that's okay. I'm the seed that's been planted in the earth's womb. All sorts of growing is happening, and when I'm ready to sprout, THEN there will be Air and Rain and Sun. For now, there's Earth. ... And manure to help me grow. ;)

On a related note, yanno how I don't watch TV? Today, after I put The Mad Cow to bed, I was working on sewing his (for lack of a better term) wheelchair backpack, and decided to have some background noise going while I worked. To my surprise, the MOST INTERESTING show I could find at that time was on the freaking Food Network-- a channel I have never before been interested in. Of course, once the show about how to make sticky buns and crepes ended and the one about getting voted off the kitchen island came on, I moved on... and found a movie (on another channel I generally avoid) that I've been thinking about for a while. Heh. Law of Attraction, baby. ;)

Peace.